Nicola pt.3

Difficult are the days as we transition from friends to strangers

No more warm “Hello”…

Even the winter nights seem intentionally colder

Like the stinging fatal bite from a mantis on its lover

Tell me, what’s a good thing if it won’t last forever?

I wish I could rip you from memory and cast you aside

Forget I knew anything about you

Your smell, your touch, your kiss

A depth of feelings I could never hide

I wish you could live in my mind for just one day

Simply to understand how I feel

It’s like I have said the same thing a thousand times

Yet my lips remain sealed.

Now am filled with the morning after tales of confusion and regret

Drunk on… Drunk on… damn you!

Why do I persist? Why do I continue?

Flogging this corpse of a relationship to get through to you

I tire of these incomplete nights

These egg shell conversations to avoid a fight,

Yet after the self induced smiles

Champagne and wine

The ghost of you remains.

Remnants of our days

Earnestly replays

As I passively carry on with my now habitual ways.

Cursed, flawed and tainted I roam

Considering any bed I lay my head a home.

Sleep is no more than the hands of Pandora

Plagued by an unrelenting grasp of what was, could be, but is no more.

Descent

Am naked and fully soiled from my descent

The smell of burnt flesh consumes the air

My once well crafted wings have been tarnished

Reduced to ashes

My limbs appear to toy with me

Proving much difficulty to stand

From this stance, the sun… as they call it… is but a blotch in the sky

My sky…

It’s unbelievable such a minuscule… Thing

Could have had such a massive effect

The air is new here,

Impure… tainted.

Everything seems weary and malodorous

Lifeless even…

A darkness looms above

I am apprehensive about it all

As the shadow only adds to my melancholy

No longer shall I feel the wind beneath my wings

As I glide through the celestial sphere

No longer shall I gaze beyond the setting sun

Or feel the warmth of its beauty against my face

No longer shall I be free to embrace the wonders of the wild blue yonder

Father forgive me I know I have offended you with my actions

Disobeyed you simply because…

I dared to dream.

To defy my boundaries .

To put my limitations to the test.

Now here I am deformed. Removed from my former glory

Seared beyond recognition

Another tale to compare with Icarus and his… no, our… failed ambition.

Tonight...

Who should I be tonight?

Tonight…

Tonight I am graced by your presence

Hungry eyes eager for another line… another phrase… another sentence

But I came unprepared

Caught somewhat off guard

With - rudely - no presents

Yet I’ve been thinking since our last encounter

That I should be a bit more suave with you

A little more… je ne sais quoi

Tonight should be the death of me

The old me

The person I no longer wish to be

Don’t get me wrong

It’s ok to be broken yet caring

Free spoken yet fearing

But what’s the point?

Words are a mere illusion

Allowing you to see what I want you to see

Causing me to be things I don’t want to be….

The mysterious type with my many hidden levels and layers

Possessing your mind

Transcending with words - a transformation takes form

Like an Autobot or a deceptacon.

Riddles and rhymes spewing through my mind

Probing for answers too hidden to find

Magnifying the minute

Minimizing the massive

How limited is your imagination?

How restricted is the power of your mind?

I am not religious but poetry is a sign

Yet you must understand

Am a simple man

With a pen and a paper at hand

I can be who I wanna be

…….But who should I be tonight?

Tonight

Timeline

The reflection in the mirror is testament of the dedication I poured into my work. The laborious nights of calibrating and calculating. The endless hours of planning and developing. All in an effort to get to this day of completion. The reflection however also bears witness of the misery I endured. The horror I lived with each day over the past years. I could still see their faces; stained with blood and sheer agony, haunting me like moving pictures in my head forever stuck on replay. I was young then, overzealous, naïve and foolish! 

A handful of water is splashed against my face. The water trickles through the scruffy facial hair now occupying my skin. I have not taken note to the extent of my unkempt appearance. There are bags beneath my reddened bloodshot eyes. My hairline has receded yet somewhat lengthy though excessively gray and knotted. As I reach for the morphine filled syringe I notice the discoloration of my fingernails and how wrinkled my hands have become.

Today is the day I set everything right; today is the day I pay penance for my mistake. There is 0% knowledge that this undertaking will be successful yet, as unknown and uncharted it may be, this journey is necessary. Necessary. I struggled to justify why this was my frame of mind but no one understood. No one understands a burden as heavy as guilt. The needle penetrates my skin and I can feel the anesthetic seeping through my vein. My eyes flutter momentarily…

“I must hurry” I think to myself as I make my way down the ramp.

There is a loud screeching sound from the hinge of the metallic door as I pry it open. Much heavier than I remembered being the case a week ago. The smell of rust and burnt rubber being masked with ammonia overwhelms my senses upon entry. I hate ammonia. Ever since I was a child I remember begging mother not to use it around the house on her "Chore Sundays". Nonetheless it is presently a discomfort that I must bear. Through the cockpit’s window, Isabel stands off in the distance. Her eyes are filled with water as she sobs silently. Amongst the ruins of falling cities - we found each other and just when hope seemed but a dimmed light drifting too the distance she saved me. She saved me from the insanity of being responsible for everything that happened. She was aware of who I was, the man who caused her entire family to be murdered yet she somehow found it in herself to forgive me. She begged me not to go, not to sacrifice my life for something that may not work but she must understand that this is how I'll repay her – this is what needs to be done.

I built this device - this machine - an elaborate capsule to help me escape this future to change, no, adjust the past. Scavenged remains of the technology that almost eradicated us all ironically has become our only means of continued existence. This technology was never meant to be ours – we were never ready for the power it possessed. Many died and those who were able to survive suffer to this day. I was not aware what would have happened but SynX knew. They knew all this time. There was no way we could have been blamed for the decisions they made…

 Who am I kidding, it was entirely my fault. We were the cause of our own destruction. The technological advances we made since their arrival would have taken us centuries to accomplish on our own. In essence we should have been thanking them.

I strap myself into the cold leather chair. The lights from the hub before me flash intermittently and I begin to feel the morphine taking effect on my sensory and motor abilities. I know what I need to do - I must stop myself no matter what the consequence. I am already aware this is a one way journey therefore what must be done will be done. “A life for a life” sort of speaking but if I am successful many will be spared.  I cannot let history repeat itself. From the dashboard I notice the date has already been entered – September 1^st 2012. Just enough time. Slowly my eyes begin to close; there is a tingling in my fingers with a numbing sensation already at the tips. I attempt to shake off the effects of the drug in effort to complete one final task. I reach out to the switchboard and with the single flick of a switch; the turbines are enabled, gradually increasing with power. The vibration can be felt as my capsule begins to convulse. With the single flick of a switch the fittings outside rapidly begin to sway surrounding the shell. With the single flick of a switch the remaining electricity is drained from the patched up generator, total darkness, then, a sudden deafening blast explodes from the machine. There is a blinding light and I strain to focus on what may be next to transpire. The cosmos has come to greet me; there are trillions of stars in my reach. Trillions of possibilities that could occur, that I could never predict. Yet here I go and with the single flick of a switch it is obvious I no longer exist... Within this timeline.

Sidebar

The definition of beauty...

There she sits, seemingly nonchalant of all the eyes actively piecing this puzzle of God's greatest gift

 - a woman –

Together with eyes journeying from the tip of her Ruby Red Nail Polished toe,

Making way up her legs taking note to her gym crafted thighs

Each creating a personal vision of her ass as its pressed against the seat of her rotating chair

Content with her flat stomach yet noticeable bust –

- most may estimate to a C Cup,

Until reaching her lips creating thought-provoking pleasures

As she licks a freshly unwrapped Blow Pop ever so seductively

Stunning all senses as all are left in fantasy

What else can she do with this candy?

Until suddenly she yawns... huh?

She didn't even cover her mouth...

Such a turn off!

Gosh!

Meadow

As I gaze into the beyond

Darkness begins its descent creeping over the land

Fireflies in the sky mimic the midnight stars

The luscious green beneath my feet welcomes me

No discussion, gestures or petition necessary

A calm wind blows giving flight to inspiration

Then Time slows...

Until I willingly, wholly and solely give in

The world seems to stop.

The hour of the day has become irrelevant

As irrelevant as mans constant attempt to control it.

I elevate from my being

Drifting to a place familiar yet uncharted.

Every question I have longed to ask has been answered

Every feeling I longed to share is now subvert

Here, I am no longer shackled by the rules of this well-crafted system

Here, I transcend gender, race and creed

Here, hate is but a word used to describe the end of this mysterious journey

Here, everything is different; life’s complexity is no more

Here, the daily routine shaping my existence is forever none existent

Here, I no longer need to psychologically deconstruct mans reason for negativity or excuses for false promises and fake integrity.

Here, am at peace.

Given a choice this would be my forever

I rather dwell in this meadow away from the hypocrisy propagated by the few and disseminated by the many

One with nature; one with my surroundings

I digest the essence of the world

The essence of the cosmos

Formulating a vision, stemmed from an idea and fueled by inspiration giving life to Words.

Fight!

A gust of wind scatters the dust from the street. Though it bothers my eyes, I strain to see another fall to his death. I knew him from around the district as a bully, but now, he is dead. Two minutes cage but only seconds before a single kick snaps his neck. The sound of bone cracking echoes between the cities streets. Only to be followed by the roar of the audience as the now contorted body falls to the canvas, eyes focused to the back of his skull and blood streaming from his parched lips.

From the dusty loud speaker hanging from the side of a building, I hear the announcer shouts my name.

My heart sinks but I know there is nowhere to run, no way to hide – rattling the chains of my arms and feet as if to make certain this inescapable fact. The noise of the latch to my confinement can be heard loosened as the doors are thrust open. Armed escorts haul me through the streets making way to the arena. The crowd is aroused but their overlapping shouts are inaudibly but clearly the loud outcry overflows with a thirst for violence. I arrive at my judgment and my escorts detach my restraints. Gradually they fall to the ground as I make my way to into the ring - feeling the cold bars of the cage door between my fingers I can only think “Oh my God, I am next”. As I enter the ring the now blood soaked body is dragged from the floor, trails of blood are left, seemingly as a memorandum to the crowd as they hungrily scream “We want more!”

To the opposite corner of the ring, my opponent waits eagerly. A gripping blank stare is aimed to my direction. Repeatedly his knuckles are clenched then released as if adding tension to his already robust arms. A tattooed beast with multiple animal parts covers most of his upper body and could presumptuously be the reason he has been given the nickname “Beast” but we both know the truth. He is no novice to these games – with a reputation for winning and a craving for killing. No matter now, am here, he’s here, nothing to say. I sink my toes into the canvas as I spread my weight beneath my feet. He realizes I have accepted my fate and a sinister grin creeps over his face. Over his shoulder he spits out saliva and in turn plants his right leg forward, positioning himself into a crouched position.

The announcer’s voice blares over the loudspeaker declaring, “All bets are closed”, inciting the already fired up crowd. The cage now rattles as they all know what was to follow. Lashing teeth with ravenous eyes begging for more violence but no amount of bloodshed could satiate. Women and men alike scream profanity engrossed commands and comments as if executing me without trial while the final dreaded words echo through the walls, “FIGHT!”

Just then my adversary as he would be an untamed animal leaps from his stance, eclipsing the overhead light fixtures. Amidst a vision of him sailing through the air with fists clenched my mind reconnects to the beginning.

Schooled

Continually I’ve tried

Over and over again

I’m frustrated, agitated and angry

Cause I just can’t stand the rain.

Who is he to allow my future to be so easily shattered?

And with my prolonged attendance

His actions are probably flattered

What am I to do?

I’m enslaved, longing to be free

He has all the power

Controlling “my” destiny

“Damn you too hell!”

 These words are locked away in my head

But the feeling is mutual

Need not be said.

I came here of my own free will

No one forced me on

So the mistakes of my actions are my own

And I can blame no one.

Nevertheless how am I to win

When he is the creator of this game

His every move is flawless

Yet mine forever remain the same.