Watcher

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Through the veil
During her lonely nights
Accompanied only by a wine induced desire
I watched her.
As the water slipped across her skin
Licking her flesh,
Gliding along with an experienced touch
Dripping like fresh paint
At the curves of her body,
I watch her.
Braille erupts at the nape of her neck
Canvassing impressions along her back,
My fingers imaginarily read every symbol
Scrolling across every word
Seduced by every sentence.
I crave you
My lips crave you
I thirst for your passion
Long for the thrill
The thrill in the suspense of your kiss
To be coiled in arms
As our bodies fold unto themselves
And explode from our cocoon
In euphoria.
Through the veil
I am not seen
I am not heard
And my presence goes unnoticed,
But as your hands unlock
The secrets of your mind
I wonder…
Does your fingers sign my name
Between your thighs?
Are your inaudible moans
A declaration of our unprofessed love?
I must know
Do I travel the plains of your imaginations?

Olsfred James 2016©

Dedication

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Everyday is a battle within
Between who I am
And who I want to be.
I'm scared.
Scared of losing control
And becoming everything I hate
Becoming my father
My abuser
Or every negative definition 
Society has pinned on me
Suffering in silence
As you presume I am guilty
Or presume I am wrong
Flashing that crooked smile
I never got the chance to perfect as a child
And everyone thinks…
He seems unbothered in his ways
He doesn't care
Seriously?
I've worn this mask for so long
I've forgotten what I look like
Afraid to give in to that dark side
To watch everything slip away
Locked in my mind
Never fighting back…
You notice a lot when distance 
Finds a way between people
It's a chance to step away
Assess the damage
With objective eyes
And determine the next course of action.
I try to believe in karma
Leave it to the universe
Stay clear of negativity
Decline my minds invitation
To mischief and vengeance.
Yet…
I want you to understand
Deep down behind my nonchalance
About everything
I truly want each and every one of you 
To suffer.
Suffer in the most unimaginable way
Then impaled and propped 
For the world to see.
I feel this heat inside
From all this hate flowing through me
It fucking eats me up inside
Chips away at what I truly want to say 
When I resort to "It's okay"
Again flashing that stupid fucking smile.
If only I was able to purge…
All this anger
All this hate
All the niceties
Just for one day
When no one would be the wiser
Just to watch you bleed!
But I can't…
Not without derailing 
Your cosmic punishment to come
To finally pay penance.
So everyday continues as a battle
Between who I am
And who I want to be
Free.

Olsfred James 2016©

Reprieve

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We all have our demons
Mine linger
And loom
In the form of faceless expressions
Wondering and curious eyes
Fighting back their questions.
"I heard about what happened…"
.
.
.
(Seems to be the opening of the discussion)
Yea you did?
So did I
I was there…
Chained from the wrist to the feet.
Like an animal in defeat
Shuffled into a caged
An unwanted addition to an already crowded space
The lingering smell of urine and vomit
Could not mask the the hopelessness of the situation
Looking on 

As life carried on
Unconcerned that you were stuck.
Quicksand.
The more you fight the deeper you sank.
Surrounded by somber tales
Of who's and why's
These cold walls listened keenly
Somehow willing these confessions
From residents and visitors alike
I had no stories to share
My mind was too unsure that I was really here
Perplexed by the situation
In denial that this was reality
And I would wake up in the comfort of my bed
My bed…
I had none but the welcoming arms
Of the concrete floor -
As cold as the embrace was

I laid there

Staring at the rotted ceiling

Spatter dashed walls

Counting how many times the word "Fuck"

Was used as a punctuation mark in the on going stories

Shared by my cellmates.

Maybe sleep would bring dreams better than reality
Dreams…
Dreams…
Restless and weary
Cold and alone
What dreams…
My mind concocted nightmarish thoughts
Keeping me awake
Maybe it was the walls punishing me
Punishing me for not paying my right of passage.
The chafed therapist urged me on
Promised to keep my secrets

Then finally I broke
As I recalled the circumstances of my being here
Until bit by bit he was satisfied
The slowly bit by bit granted me sleep…
.
.
.
"So tell me, what about my life you would like to know that in some way shape or form will benefit you other than to satisfy your curiosity or provide new insight for gossip material?"
"Ah… I just wanted to know if you're okay"
"Oh... Yea I'm good"

Olsfred James 2016©

Nimbostratus

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Layered ripples
Of nomadic shades
Drifting across the sky
Stirs daydreams. 
Vivid thoughts of you
Create tangible imaginings
Of my hands upon your face
Caressing your cheeks
Trailing fingertips
Between mounds erupting on your skin
You shiver at the pleasures of my touch
Smiling at me in satisfaction
With the ease of dawn,
Reaching corners
With brighten sun rays, 
Beaming in my direction.
I've longed to be held
In the embrace of your gaze
Seen only by you
When the world surrenders existence
Remaining yours in this instance
Until layered ripples
Turn from white to grey
And memories of tomorrow
Wash away.

Olsfred James 2016©

#ForgiveMe

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I ran. Ran as fast as my legs could carry. Ran with blurred vision from teary eyes. Further and further with each step. Stomping on crumbled expectations and broken dreams, I ran. My legs begged for rest but my mind begged for escape. 

The watching moon was the only witness of my departure. The only friend on this journey. Trailing me between the dangling trees. Pale eyes fixated on me. He knew this was the right thing to do, lighting my way when unsure of my path then hiding me in his shadow to move unseen.

Deeper into the night away from the comfort of light, deeper into the melancholy of the darkness, I ran. Passed the familiarity of my past to the unknown of my future. I ran.

My heart pounded ferociously within the walls of my chest. Dipped and skipped. Cried in pain. Cried from the betrayal. Threatened to give up. Collapse and stop if my exploits did not halt. I wanted to make it better. I needed to make it better. So I ignored its cry, ignored its pain.

I am doing this for you. Forgive me. Forgive me. My mind knows better than to trust frivolous notions of love. You are beautifully passionate with every beat but blind that every "her" you meet is a kindred spirit. So I must protect you. One day when you have calmed and all of this is behind us, you will know I did this for you - my heart.

Olsfred James 2016©

Se•le•no•tro•pism

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I am jealous of the moon,
Jealous of the way
He kisses your skin
Under his pale light
Claiming you as its own.
You remain poised
And held in his gaze
Unconcerned with passing time
Lost somewhere deep in thought
Too far to reach.
Among shades of black
The grandeur that is you
Effortlessly glows
Among the twinkle of night.
Selflessly
Hopelessly
I wish upon you,
I wish upon you to turn away
Turn away from his embrace
And deny his touch
Denounce his rights
To be the reason you shine
And bid me the honor
Of a conversation once more.
Silly of me ignorant in my pride
Unable to understand
The moon chose you
To spread the light of the sun
As you walk among man.

Olsfred James 2016©

Conformity

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Against the sea of conformity

I battle waves bent on my arts demise

The roar of the ocean

Tossing between jagged rocks

Curls into tides of social influence 

Raging from every side

Crashing together in judgmental remarks

I labor the storm until my inspiration comes

Consistent in my endeavor 

Watching as the blurring foam transforms

From a towering blue wonder of negativity

To gently settle, as I wash upon the shores

Of my unscathed conviction .

Olsfred James 2016©

Surly

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As my name leaves her lips

Her voice sends ripples

Across the plains of time 

Traveling unabated

Rousing the smallest figment

Of imagination

Stirring dormant memories

Of a life unlived

Of this loveless lover

Awaiting response to her call.

I must resist

Resist the instinct to answer

The desire to be quelled 

By all she offers

To taste the longing in her lips

The familiarity in her touch

I must fight from my core

The hopelessness to be found

To be the prey to her hunger

The victim to her lust

She is an untamed fire

Wild and free

Yet cruel and impartial

Burning all asunder

I once lived amongst her flames

Endured the heat of her passion

Until, ultimately my use

Had reached its expiration

Then left for dead

With the trophies she claimed

Shall I run?

Seek refuge in the unknown

Hide these moments

Deep within fissures of my past

Or shall I return to her den once more?

I shuffle between thoughts

As my name leaves her lips

And lingering echoes

Await a response.

 Olsfred James 2016©

Stardust

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We are all just, stardust…

Combined particles
From stellar winds sweeping
Across the boundless galaxy,
Minute parts of a greater whole
Elements of elements
Remnants of cosmic design
Residue of a supernova's sacrifice
Collapsed into the frailty of this being
This alien form we call human
Connected we are
At a level thicker than blood 
Deeper than our failing humanity

So you see…

We are all just stardust.

 Olsfred James 2016©