Dedication

-source-

Everyday is a battle within
Between who I am
And who I want to be.
I'm scared.
Scared of losing control
And becoming everything I hate
Becoming my father
My abuser
Or every negative definition 
Society has pinned on me
Suffering in silence
As you presume I am guilty
Or presume I am wrong
Flashing that crooked smile
I never got the chance to perfect as a child
And everyone thinks…
He seems unbothered in his ways
He doesn't care
Seriously?
I've worn this mask for so long
I've forgotten what I look like
Afraid to give in to that dark side
To watch everything slip away
Locked in my mind
Never fighting back…
You notice a lot when distance 
Finds a way between people
It's a chance to step away
Assess the damage
With objective eyes
And determine the next course of action.
I try to believe in karma
Leave it to the universe
Stay clear of negativity
Decline my minds invitation
To mischief and vengeance.
Yet…
I want you to understand
Deep down behind my nonchalance
About everything
I truly want each and every one of you 
To suffer.
Suffer in the most unimaginable way
Then impaled and propped 
For the world to see.
I feel this heat inside
From all this hate flowing through me
It fucking eats me up inside
Chips away at what I truly want to say 
When I resort to "It's okay"
Again flashing that stupid fucking smile.
If only I was able to purge…
All this anger
All this hate
All the niceties
Just for one day
When no one would be the wiser
Just to watch you bleed!
But I can't…
Not without derailing 
Your cosmic punishment to come
To finally pay penance.
So everyday continues as a battle
Between who I am
And who I want to be
Free.

Olsfred James 2016©